Introduction
My name is . I live in Groningen, which is in the northern part of the Netherlands.
On the website of Linda Evans I saw an announcement in which she stated that she was looking for candidates to film the proceeding of a treatment with LTA therapy. The candidate had to be prepared to reveal his identity as well as most of the problem issues that were bothering him on the internet. I sent an e-mail, and later I contacted Linda Evans by telephone and I was accepted as a candidate. Then I filled in the questionnaire. Linda sensed some of my patterns over the telephone. Subsequently she gave me a distance treatment for a couple of days to see if I reacted well. I did. I could feel the first results. The distance treatment was started. Its aim is to solve all or most of the problem issues that have been bothering me for the past 20 years. We have never met. I estimate that we live at a distance of about 400 km from each other.
I am 43 years old. I am a professional paedriatic nurse and I have been studying medicine since the start of the new academic year (beginning of September). It is a four-year education leading to the degree of Doctor of Medicine (general practitioner) instead of the normal six-year education. In case of the six-year education only theory lessons are given during the first three academic years. In
the four-year education the subject matter of these first three years is given during the first year. Students are supposed to master the material of the first academic year thanks to their previous studies. In my case those previous studies were nursing studies. Therefore I only need to study the subject matter of the second and third year. Every five weeks there is an examination on the material of the second and third year. I have passed the entrance examination for these studies.
I cannot attend the lectures often since I work during the weekends and I have to study during the week. I have just enough money to be able to support myself.
For many years I have had physical and emotional problems, which, 20 years ago, nearly drove me to suicide. But I decided to go on with my life and to deal with my problems. During the past 20 years I have followed many alternative therapies. I invested almost all my money in them. Unfortunately I still have many problems in spite of all those therapies. I have submitted myself to and I have applied quite a lot of techniques for solving my problems. But time and time again the positive effect was not clearly noticeable and I did not get any better.
I still have an inferiority complex, fear of failure, depressive complaints, studying/learning difficulties, digestive problems, skin and hair problems, complaints of tiredness and underweight. I am still not happy with myself and my life although I do an awful lot to feel happy. Neither am I able to attract the right woman in my life and to build a fine and steady relationship. In addition I also have sexual problems (premature ejaculation).
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List of the therapies I have tried
Homeopathy (both classical and complex), acupuncture, bioresonance, ondevit, well-balanced – inside-out, orthomolecular medicine, phytotherapy, touch for health, various diets and detoxication cures, lavage of the large intestine by means of probiotics, reiki, EFT/TAT/BSFF (emotional freedom techniques), hypnosis/self-hypnosis, meditation, spiritual healings, positive thinking – affirmations.
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Various problem issues
. I am very unhappy about my looks. I am tall (196 cm), skinny (I weigh 80 kg) and I started to lose my hair at the age of 20, which means that I am balding. When I started to lose my hair, it was a disaster for me. Although I have more or less accepted it now, it still has a negative affect on my self-image. I have done a lot of things to stop losing my hair and to stimulate the growth of new hair, but nothing worked. When I look at myself in the mirror I feel terribly ugly and I get a miserable feeling of shame and pain. And the things I see in particular then are my bald head and my skinny, tall figure.
People sometimes call me ‘tall Jan’ or ‘baldhead’. It makes me feel sad and ashamed about the way I look. Or I get terribly angry because people judge me on something that makes me suffer, and that hurts. Because of my looks I feel unattractive and uninteresting to women. I have the feeling that I am an abnormal and ‘unlovable’ person.
. I am very preoccupied about being tall and skinny. That is why I go to a fitness centre five times a week to get a bit broader. If I could get a bit broader, I would look less tall. But for some reason or other I simply do not manage to put on weight.
. I am unable to concentrate well while I am studying. I get distracted by other things and I give them my attention. When I have an exam and I fear that I am not going to do well or that I might be disapproved off or criticized, I prefer to occupy myself with something else so that this stress decreases. Sometimes I am too preoccupied with the things that keep me busy emotionally. I get stuck in that emotion then and I have more difficulty to concentrate. Sometimes I get the feeling that there is no point in what I am doing. That reduces my motivation and I have more difficulty to concentrate.
I am intelligent although I often feel stupid. There are things which I understand at once, but there are other things that take me longer to understand. Especially when it is an unfamiliar subject or when it concerns notions with a spatial orientation, like the ones that are used in anatomy. I do have spatial perception but it could do with a little improvement. I find that I have difficulty memorizing and remembering large amounts of subject matter. At an exam, I am not able to reproduce or to apply the material I have studied immediately. It takes a while before I am able to retrieve the right information. I also find it difficult to make a distinction between the most important information and less important information. I am not always quick to understand explanations about complex or spatial problems. When there is something I fail to grasp quickly, I feel very stupid. I go tense, and that stops me from understanding things. When there is something I fail to grasp, I feel anxious, frustrated and inferior.
. I almost died of acute intestinal problems at the age of 20. The last 30 cm of my small intestine had died and caused intestinal obstruction. It had to be removed. I have had digestive problems ever since as well as many complaints of flatulence, belching and a feeling of a full/upset stomach. I often have abdominal pain, which is made worse by mental complaints. I have had several medical examinations but no physical defects were found. I am sensitive to intestinal infections, which make me suffer from diarrhoea. Four or five times a year I suffer from diarrhoea for weeks on end. I have such terrible abdominal cramps then that I bend over in pain. Several times a year I also have terrible cramps and diarrhoea during one day and then it wears off again.
I have suffered from eczema since I was seven years old. And I have had acne from the age of fourteen. My eczema got worse through the years. It starts in September or a bit later and it disappears completely somewhere around May. In the beginning it is just small spots and follicles that itch a little. They appear on the outside of my elbows, the middle finger of my right hand and sometimes also on the ring finger of my right hand. In just a few weeks time they become large spots that look fiery red, that itch terribly and that may burst and start to bleed. My eczema has become so bad the last couple of years that it almost stops me from working. Since I am a nurse I use disinfectants every day. That makes my fingers feel very painful. I have small spots of eczema on my shins. I have a strong itch in my lower legs, which could almost be called pain.
I still have a slight form of acne. Most of the time I have some pus spots and red spots in my face.
Because I am underweight I feel cold quickly. In winter I need a couple of T-shirts, extra blankets and a couple of jumpers to stay warm while I am sleeping. I often feel tired and I lack energy/vitality. I have a chronic cold in the nose.
Lately I often suffer from tension headache and a painful neck. I have back complaints too, particularly pain in the lower back and sometimes tense shoulder blade muscles. I especially feel pain in my lower back when I am having emotional troubles. And that happens rather frequently.
My health is not very good, but it is not bad either. I often don’t feel well (tired, little energy, a bit sickly, rash in the groin area, a little pain everywhere and cramps).
. I have difficulty attracting nice women. I feel very insecure towards women. When there is a woman I like, I don’t dare to walk over because I go tense (emotionally and physically). I quickly feel rejected or not good enough for a woman. I have had a few relationships, but they never lasted long. My longest relationship lasted six months. I have had no relationship the past three years. My relationships always came to an end because I felt so insecure. That made me feel afraid of losing her or of not being good enough. Most of the time I fall in love with a woman who doesn’t fancy me at all. I feel attracted to girlish women, aged between 30 and 35. Now I have fallen in love again for the first time since a few years. But, as usual, she doesn’t fancy me. I am very preoccupied with my unrequited desire for a woman that I like very much. It is a source of frustration for me. When I fall in love now, I have the feeling that I am not good enough, that I am not attractive enough or that I am not worthy enough.
. I am ashamed of my height, of the fact that I am much too skinny, of my baldness, of my parents/descent. I am ashamed about the fact that I am single (that I have no girlfriend) and of my sexual desires. My sexual desires can really confuse me because I often use them to get rid of my tension or to escape reality. I am ashamed about it that I can get so absorbed by them and that I seem to need them so badly.
All of those feelings can be very intense, as a result of which I feel uncomfortable with people and avoid contact.
. I feel inferior about my descent. I come from a working-class family. Neither of my parents has done higher studies nor accomplished a lot in their lives.
I also feel inferior towards people that are attractive, self-confident and that seem to have made it in life. I feel inferior towards people that are much more intelligent and that seem much more sophisticated than me. I am easily impressed by people that are more intelligent than I am. I tend to stand aside and I get the feeling that I don’t know anything. I feel inferior in situations with people that have a ready wit or that are popular. I also feel inferior towards women that I like. As a matter of fact, I feel inferior quite often, as if I am not good enough. I feel even more inferior in situations in which I feel rejected or embarrassed, in which I have the feeling that people make me look ridiculous, criticize me or go against me. Due to those feelings of inferiority I often feel insecure in relations with people.
. I often feel insecure when I need to do something. I am afraid of making mistakes and of failing. Just the thought of what could go wrong is enough to make me feel so insecure that I start to have abdominal pain. That stops me from making my dreams come true. Yet I have managed to take my degree as a children’s nurse and I do this job well. Nevertheless it still happens quite often that I feel a bit insecure as a nurse. I am afraid of doing things wrong. Now that I am studying again, I often feel insecure because there are certain things that I don’t know and that I should know. That regularly gives me tension headaches.
. There are many situations in which I feel insecure. I usually feel insecure in groups and my reaction can be very tense. I go silent or I go along with people and I do not dare to express my own opinion. I am afraid that they will think I am abnormal or bizarre. In my medical group I do not really feel at ease because the others feel more comfortable in the group and they are more relaxed. Hence I have started to avoid the group a little. At home, with my parents, I sometimes feel very insecure. And sometimes, when I have to perform, I feel very insecure. The intensity can vary enormously. Sometimes I feel a bit uncomfortable and I have a slight feeling of unease in my stomach, and sometimes I feel so terribly insecure that I get abdominal cramps/abdominal pain or diarrhoea and that I almost start to feel sick. The latter happens particularly when I have fallen in love and my beloved one turns out to be ‘out of my reach’ yet again.
. I often think that there are things that I am unable to do. For example, I think I could never be a doctor because I am unable to make the right diagnosis. I am unable to give good therapy, I am unable to …
. Due to my fear of failure, I go tense and I avoid certain situations. That happens frequently and it can be so intense that it stops me from achieving certain goals. I have a fear of failure when it comes to things such as love, sex, sports, dancing (I am rather clumsy), studying exams, making contacts, performing (medical) actions. I have terrible examination stress. That is a result of my fear of not being able to remember things well, of my fear of not having enough time to study everything thoroughly, of my fear of not understanding certain parts of the subject matter.
. I do not panic very easily. But I do start to panic in acute situations at work, when a child is in danger of losing its life and when I need to act immediately (in such circumstances I am afraid of doing the wrong things). I go tense when I panic and I am almost unable to think straight.
. I cannot accept myself because of the way I look and the way I am.
. Contacts with people can be very difficult because I feel too insecure. I do not dare to make contacts or my contacts are awkward because I talk or react in a constrained way. That puts people off, which makes me feel rejected and even more insecure. My reaction can be very tense then, or I withdraw into myself and keep to myself, or my reaction becomes irritated or mean.
. In my contacts with women it often happens that when I don’t get a signal that I perceive as positive, I am quick to think that this woman rejects me and that she is not interested in me. That feels like a disappointment and it causes some sort of grief, as a result of which I am even more inclined to withdraw into myself. I clam up and I react curtly, which only makes the contact more difficult. When I am in love with someone, I just assume that she won’t be interested and that she will turn me down. Or that I won’t be good enough. She will make me aware of it, and my feelings will be hurt.
. I often feel uncomfortable with people. I often feel threatened because I think that they are better than me and that they will see me as a stupid, weak, ugly person. I particularly feel uncomfortable when I am with unfamiliar people. I often try to avoid contacts. Which does not mean that I live a solitary life. I am afraid that people will think that I am ridiculous or abnormal. I am afraid that people will hurt my feelings, I am afraid of being laughed at, I am afraid of being turned down, of not being able to express myself, etc. I don’t like to go out because I feel uncomfortable, which stops me from having fun.
. The fear of being laughed at is an old fear of mine, which has often confined me. I fear that people will laugh at me, if I do not know what to say anymore (for example with a presentation or a group conversation), or when I say something wrong. I do not feel at ease in group conversations. I am afraid to be the odd man out, afraid not to be able to join in the conversation smoothly, afraid to be abnormal. I am afraid to ask questions because they might think I am stupid. I am afraid to become insecure and as a result I go tense. I do not want people to see me insecure, nervous or clumsy. I am ashamed of that. Ever since my early childhood, I have felt uncomfortable in a group.
. When people say something about me, I am quick to regard it as a negative remark. When they pay me a compliment, I don’t take it as a compliment. I rather think that they are kissing my feet or that they are trying to get something out of me.
At work there are minor frictions or conflicts sometimes because I react emotionally to my colleagues and vice versa. When they are critical or when they make a remark, I tend to take a defensive attitude or I react rather violently. Since I only work during the weekends now, I have difficulty to build good contacts with the children and their parents. I need time to develop good contacts with people. I need some time to get used to a new contact, it takes a while before it feels familiar. As the contact with the children and the parents is now very brief, it feels distant.
. I have stage fright. I feel insecure when I have to say something in or to a group of people. It stops me from speaking in public places.
. I have fear of staying single, of getting seriously ill, of growing old, of being ugly, of not being good enough, of not knowing things, of not being a good doctor, of losing people that are dear to me, of not becoming happy or of remaining unhappy.
. I have the feeling that I have to prove myself to myself to feel good about myself or to feel good enough. I have the feeling that I have to prove myself to the girl that I like (I like intelligent women) or to men (to show that I am man enough). I need my parents’ approval and respect, so I think that I also try to prove myself to them. I want to prove that there are things that I can do and that I can do good things. Now that I am studying medicine, I have the feeling that I need to prove that I am worthy of it. That makes me feel stressed.
. I can be very pessimistic, I take things to heart very seriously, particularly my own problems (women, my looks, how to improve my attractiveness, health, how to improve my health). I also take things that – in my opinion – are unfair in this world to heart.
. I get disappointed easily and then I grow quiet (I withdraw into myself), I become curt, and I become edgy and irritable with people that I know well. But I often swallow my disappointment or I restrain myself or put a brave face on. Since I am disappointed, I regard situations as negative. I tend to think that also in the future only negative things will happen. And when something good happens, I fear that it will be followed by a terrible disappointment.
I often feel disappointed or thrown off balance. In case of small disappointments I quickly pull myself together again, but when I have a minor computer problem, for instance, I sometimes get very frustrated and angry (most of the time there is nobody else around then. I usually don’t let myself go like that when there are other people around).
Especially when I am feeling pangs of love, this can really unnerve me and it takes a long time before I get over it.
There are other things that I get over more easily, that I find easier to put into perspective. I just look at how I could deal with things differently.
. I worry easily. I often think about how to solve my problems. I keep worrying that things will not work out fine. Like in matters concerning a woman/love, career, health or financial matters.
. I tend to have negative expectations. I tend to think that I will not manage to do things or that something is just not to be my part rather than to recognize opportunities and success. I am quick to think that things will go wrong (particularly when it concerns women, health, looks, although I am still motivated to keep working on those things). When it comes to love, I assume that she will not like me anyway, that she will turn me down, that she will hurt my feelings. When it comes to my career, I think that I will not succeed in actually helping people, I think that I am too stupid to succeed. When it comes to spiritual growth, I think that I will not be able to love myself unconditionally, that I will not be able to grow spiritually. When it comes to sex, I think that I will come too soon and that I will disappoint her.
. It doesn’t take much to make me feel down, especially when it has to do with love and with my looks. I am easily discouraged. When a girl says no first, I immediately think that she doesn’t want me. If there is a certain technique or knowledge that I am unable to master in a short time, I easily get discouraged too. Or when the contacts with my parents are difficult again. Sometimes I really feel powerless, especially in matters of love.
But after half a day, I am usually over the worst of it although those negative feelings of gloominess, discouragement or powerlessness stay with me for a while.
. I am depressed to a certain extent. I feel depressed and down. There has been a gloomy overtone in my moods the past years. Most of the time I feel some sort of sadness, disappointment, desperation in the back of my mind. I have a negative outlook on life.
That feeling is reinforced because I am unable to solve my problems and to improve my situation although I am dying to do just that.
. I regularly feel desperate. Sometimes I have feelings of black despair when I do not succeed in solving certain problems or in achieving certain goals. I feel desperate because so far nothing has helped to solve my physical and emotional problems. I have become very fatalistic and cynical because I believe that there is nothing that can help me. Especially now that I am getting older and once more I am unable to attract a nice girlfriend and I am still having physical complaints and I am bothered by lack of self-confidence, shame, anxiety, feelings of gloominess, etc. That can make me feel really desperate and it gives me the feeling that this is what I deserve. That I am not worthy of being happy with myself, of being in good health. That I am not worthy of not having intestinal complaints, of not having an itch and disfiguring inflammations of the skin, that I am not worthy of having lots of energy and of being full of high spirits. I can feel terribly desperate, sad and down when I do my best to look attractive but when I don’t succeed.
. I can be very irritable. When few things seem to work out in my life and my life seems like a struggle. When I have to fight hard for every success and when I have to overcome a lot of setbacks. I often have to overcome disappointments and find new courage to go on. Feelings of frustration and tiredness can make me very irritable. I usually suppress those feelings in the company of other people, unless I am with my parents. I can be rather curt and react violently, and often my reactions are condemnatory and reproachful.
. I regularly get annoyed at people, particularly at people that behave in a selfish way, that do not show any consideration for other people, and that do not seem to be aware of their unhealthy behaviour.
People who display dangerous behaviour on the road and who are not careful annoy me terribly. I get annoyed at people who are constantly using their mobile phone (in the car, on their bike, in the lecture hall, etc.), at people who smoke and bother me (smoke gives me painful, burning eyes and trouble with my lungs), at aggressive and noisy people. People who love to step into the spotlight get on my nerves.
. I am disappointed in my parents. They were unable to give me the love and confirmation that I needed and they unable to support me in my development and with the problems that I had. I hated my father in the past. Meanwhile I have learnt to accept him. But I still blame him sometimes for my problems. The relationship with my parents has improved these last couple of years although my mother still goes against me sometimes. In the past, she was the one that often went against me or criticized me when I was engaged in something new.
. I sometimes have feelings of guilt, but I regularly suppress those feelings because I have great trouble feeling guilty. I am even more ashamed when I feel guilty. Or it is a confirmation of: ‘I cannot do it anyway’ or ‘I am stupid’.
I like to apologize when I feel guilty. I find it hard to apologize to my parents because they (and particularly my father) have never apologized to me. I also find it hard to apologize sometimes because I don’t want to have the feeling that I am the only one to blame. I find it hard sometimes to admit my guilt.
. I am not really an aggressive person. When I am driving I can be provocative if somebody behaves antisocially. I tend to behave aggressively when I am too frustrated and I need to vent my anger. Most of the time I go to the fitness centre then to do sports or I give a hard slap on a door. I can vent my feelings of anger by slapping something. I can be pretty nasty with people when I am angry. I quickly lose my temper with my parents or sisters. Especially when I feel wronged or misunderstood. I am short-tempered in frustrating situations. But my anger subsides quickly. It is over soon.
. I can be very patient but I can also be very impatient. When I am feeling very impatient, I start to grumble and I get angry with myself or at the thing I am unable to do.
. I can be rather introverted, especially with people that make me feel insecure. But there are a few people who know almost everything about me. I dare to tell them everything, I have no secrets for them. And also on the Internet everybody may know all there is to know about me. My sports mates say that I talk too much at the fitness centre. Sometimes I want to tell a whole lot in a short time. But I don’t say much when I feel uncomfortable. Sometimes I am too open and I tend to give myself away too quickly. Especially when it comes to love and sex. Afterwards I regret all the things I have said. I sometimes exaggerate when I tell or explain something because I am afraid that people will not understand exactly what I mean.
. I am not always able to express myself well when I am with a woman that I like or in situations in which I am unable to conceal my uneasiness and I am afraid of giving people the impression that I am feeling insecure.
. I have difficulty expressing my feelings. I swallow lots of things or I suppress my feelings. Particularly feelings of irritability or when I like someone very much. I tend to bottle up lots of things. Particularly irritations about other people.
I often fill with emotions, but I keep them inside. I don’t really express them. I don’t cry easily.
. I find it important that other people like me. But I am not always sure how to make them like me. I don’t want to butter people up or pretend that I am a great guy or place people on a pedestal. I try to comply with other people’s wishes and to meet their demands.
. I am very preoccupied with what other people think of me, with the clothes that I wear, the way I talk, the things I do, the way I look, the things I find important. For all those things I like to have other people’s approval.
. I sometimes behave unnaturally, particularly when I try to make a good impression on a woman. I am not my own self even though I do not lay it on thick. Also in other social contacts, when I feel insecure or when I am seeking positive attention, my behaviour is rather forced sometimes. I often don’t know how to conceal my uneasiness.
. I feel ashamed sometimes. Especially when I think that people must get a very strange impression of me. I feel ashamed in situations in which people might think that I am a male chauvinist, that I am a common person or that I am a failure.
. I envy good-looking, self-confident, successful men who have a nice girlfriend. I regularly compare myself with other people. Not in the competitive sense of the word, but rather in the sense of: I’d like to be like that too or I wouldn’t like to be like that.
. I feel nervous when I am with a nice woman, when I am on intimate terms with a women, when I need to prove myself. I am restless inside, especially now that I still haven’t found what I’m looking for and what I long for.
. I often feel tense. I feel that tension in my abdomen. It tenses up, I cannot think straight, and I am afraid that something unpleasant is going to happen.
. I often feel rushed, also in my studies because there are a lot of things I need to do in a short time. Or at work, when there is high work pressure and when there are lots of ill children that need a lot of care and attention that is almost impossible to give.
. Stress can make me feel very restless, insecure, rushed and tense. For instance, when many demands are made on me and when everybody wants something from me at work and there are still an awful lot of things that need to be done, for which there is no time and room. When I am studying, I can get very agitated when I think of the possibility of not having enough time to study everything.
. There are many things that I do reluctantly. I feel an aversion to things that cost a lot of trouble. Just thinking about them makes me tired and gives me a headache. I feel very reluctant about studying many hours, it takes a great effort and I find it hard to relax. I also do my job as a nurse with ill grace, but I need to do it to support myself. My work often takes a lot of energy. At work I am much too restricted in what I can do, I often feel powerless. I also find it hard to accept that doctors consider nurses as nursing slaves. Due to the high work pressure we often spend more time on giving medication to people than on doing other things that are important.
. My mother regularly criticizes me. For instance, when my house has not been cleaned well enough, or when I don’t change the sheets often enough, or when I spend too much money on my health, etc.
Colleagues regularly make remarks about the way I look. They say that I seem too thin again and that they have the impression that I’ve been losing weight, which makes me look even taller. And I am very sensitive about that.
. I am sensitive to criticism. I often experience it as a serious personal attack as if I am not good or as if I am going to be wrong from the very start. I am sensitive to criticism about my looks. I am very sensitive to criticism from women about my manhood, my attractiveness, etc.
I am sensitive to criticism about the way I function when I have been very dedicated and when I have done my best. I am afraid of making mistakes that might make me lose face or that might harm somebody else. I want other people’s appreciation and respect. I am afraid of being criticized and of getting disapproval from myself and from other people.
. I feel attacked easily and I tend to take rather innocent remarks as criticism. I am particularly sensitive about everything that has to do with my looks, my performances with women and my work as a professional. I am quick to take a defensive attitude. I can take things pretty far and sometimes I keep coming back to things for a long time.
. I am not always able to say ‘no’ when I am afraid that somebody might not like me anymore. People that I feel dependent on or whose sympathy I don’t want to lose can easily manipulate me.
. Sometimes I find it hard to make up my mind, and sometimes I can make a decision easily. I am afraid sometimes of making the wrong decision. I regularly ask other people for their opinion.
. When I cannot have my way I sometimes behave like a disappointed child and I show my disappointment. I still try to have my way anyway. I sometimes feel self-pity and adopt a victim attitude.
. I have difficulty adapting to new situations. I always need to get used to them and adjust. I am afraid of new things. I fear that I will not be able to meet the new demands or live up to people’s expectations. Or I fear that the new situation will be worse than the previous one. The new situation in which I find myself now, a situation in which I have to study and I have no regular job anymore, also caused a lot of fear. I am also afraid of starting a new relationship and of falling in love.
. I am often too serious. I focus too much on my health, on spiritual growth and on my career, and I have difficulty to stop focusing on those things or to treat those things lightly.
. I am too hard on myself, I make too many demands on myself. I don’t allow myself much real relaxation. I can be pretty hard on other people too when they complain because I am of the opinion that they have to work on their problems instead of just talking and complaining about them.
. I can be tactful but sometimes I can hurt people’s feelings too. Especially when I don’t like them and I want to make them know.
. When something is bothering me while I am listening to somebody, I sometimes stop listening and I start to focus on myself.
. I get respect and appreciation from people. But I do not have enough appreciation for myself or I feel that I don’t deserve it.
. I like to get confirmation of my good achievements or qualities and I like being paid compliments. I need the most confirmation from the woman I like. Only then can I be sure that I am nice enough for her.
. I find it hard to pay compliments. My parents never gave me much support and appreciation, so this is a problem for me. I have difficulty giving appreciation.
. I am aching for love. I am unable to love myself and I don’t get enough love from other people. I particularly want love from a woman that I like.
. I am able to love other people, but I do feel inhibited. I am afraid of being hurt or of being turned down.
. Things often take a lot of trouble, there are lots of obstacles, and I have many setbacks.
. I have organizational skills and most of the time I work efficiently. But when I am assigned new tasks or when I find myself in new situations I always need some time to make things go smoothly again.
. I sometimes bite off more than I can chew. I expect from myself that I should be able to do everything. For instance, spend 60 hours studying, do sports and work night shifts on top of it. There are too many things that I want to do at the same time. Because I think that they are all necessary to achieve my goal or because I want to remain on good terms with everybody or because I want to do people a favour.
. When there is something I cannot find, I try to stay calm but sometimes it makes me feel powerless and helpless and/or angry.
. I have too little energy and I tire too quickly, but I can keep going a long time just by sheer will power and discipline. I feel so tired sometimes that I have to drag myself along. Twice a day I need to sleep 30 minutes.
I often have little energy when I feel reluctant about doing things that I don’t like to do. When I think of things that take a lot of trouble, just the thought is enough to make me feel tired.
. I don’t always fall asleep easily except when I am dead tired. Because of my irregular working hours I am not always able to sleep soundly, especially when I am on the night shift. I sometimes sleep very fitfully, I toss and turn and I have lots of dreams (not nice dreams but chaotic, confusing dreams, especially about my youth). It often happens that I still feel tired when I wake up. When the alarm clock goes off, I often don’t feel like starting the new day.
. I am in a bad mood when I get up. I am not looking forward to yet another day, which will probably bring the same problems as the days/weeks/months/years before.
. I have sexual problems. I come too soon. Sometimes I come after half a minute, especially when I feel tense.
I don’t have sex often. That frustrates me because I like sex in spite of the fact that I often feel insecure and ashamed. I masturbate to relax or when I feel rotten. Now and then I treat myself to an erotic massage. Besides sex, I also get attention and affection then.
. I have lots of fantasies about a woman that I like very much. These are romantic fantasies. I often have sexual fantasies too when I am masturbating, just to let off steam or to relax. Sometimes it is the only way for me not to feel insecure, down, and gloomy for just a little while.
